I just got out of my last final of my first quarter at Palefish!

I’m about 27% certain that I passed!

According to the phone call I just had, Julian will be very proud if I pass, but Neal will be very proud if I fail, and either way what are they gonna do kick me out? HA please I’m begging you send me back to the Crossroads, I can pour drinks for hunters

I’m just kidding

I don’t even really want that right this second

because now

I’m obsessed

with rifts

Literally pretty earlier I was like DEEP into a fantasy in which I’m on a hunt with the Hawthornes and something terrible is happening and the boys are like oh no we have no choice we have to kill this cryptidand then I get to go no! We don’t have to! We can send it home instead! Like fully having like an entire imaginary emotional journey in my head when I realized oh wait, I am at this moment part way through a physics exam, and instead of remembering equations I’m creating a tv version of my life where I’m a hero.

Embarrassing

And now of course I’m telling the internet about it like for fucks sake I’m so embarrassing

ANYWAY

Theres a party down at the beach tonight. People are going home for the holidays in the next few days. People might even be wearing their own clothes.

Bass is all cheerful and excited about it — Bass sailed through all his finals, it’s so funny, he already knew pretty much everything we learned this quarter having grown up both a witch and a nerd, so he’s excited to go drink around a fire on the beach with our classmates — but I think Andie and I are both wanting to go back upstairs to Bird’s journal.

Andie and I haven’t talked to Rook and Bass about our realization yet. We meant to — it’s literally all I can think about. We even tried on the run yesterday morning when the excitement was totally fresh, but they made us run it as fast as we could, just to check our times. We literally haven’t had the time.

We’ll talk about it for real tonight. Hopefully I mean who knows what this party’s gonna be like.

It was literally snowing tonight at the bonfire, but it turns out that’s sorta the point. Seniors spend their final two quarters on internship so it’s tradition for them all to go swimming in the ocean after finals. Everyone else just wants to be close to all the drama, while the seniors brag about who they’re interning with etc. There’s a handful Bellhoof seniors going to apprentice at the Emporium, and they’re all so excited and nervous and listen — they’re gonna have such a good time. Remember what it was like at that table with Beau and Paul and April? Not that I can say anything about that to them lmfao, I’m not supposed to know anyone at the Emporium.

The night was… fine? Watching all our classmates trying to angle themselves closest to the most well-connected, influential people who would have them got depressing pretty quick, but it wasn’t all bad. Like it’s not like I’m a total outcast or anything, people talked to me. Jacob Lutley asked me what college I was planning on attending, and when I said Bellhoof, he was all surprised.

“I just thought you’d be in Willowa,” he explained when I didn’t understand his surprise, and then when I didn’t immediately understand why he thought I’d pick Willowa, he sorta awkwardly indicated my spooky eye and then the conversation sorta ended lmfao.

Wayne Muir took the time to awkwardly ask me what my plans for winter break were, fiddling awkwardly with the neck of his beer — but the answer was, of course, that I have no plans for winter break. I’m staying on the island, on account of being a freak who can’t leave the island. And then Tucker Gowie came to rescue him and it was just me again, watching Tish Weatherall, in her sleek black turtleneck and long red hair flirt with Rook all night. Tish is from a long line of Saint Niveus students, but she’s thinking about joining Willowa and pursuing a career in sorcery because “I just love the idea of using people’s pain to make the world a better place. So like, they didn’t suffer in vain, you know?”

UGH she’s so pretty and sweet and optimistic, with her fingertips poking out of her sleeves to clutch her wine bottle. Watching her offer it to him, and watching him drink it, imagining the slight stain on his mouth.

Torture hahahaha I’m torturing myself, which would have been bad enough, except that Marina caught me doing it.

“Don’t worry,” she drawled. “Tish has been basically betrothed to Terran since birth, she won’t distract him long.”

And when I choked on my drink and tried to pretend I had no idea what she was talking about she just laughed at me.

“Oh please, anyone with eyes can see you’re completely in love with him.”

At which point, I said, “Fuck off Marina,” and she tilted her head back to laugh, long brown waves shifting across her narrow shoulders.

“Relax,” she said. “He’s not blind, I’m sure he already knows.” And then, after a moment’s pause, she added thoughtfully, “actually he’s probably a great contact for you right? Didn’t he used to hunt with Daryl Armstrong and Knock Valley? That’s pretty well connected for a Bellhoof student, right? I can’t really keep track.” So fucking smug.

I literally hate that girl so much she’s skin crawlingly awful. Like, I don’t don’t give a shit about the social climbing this school apparently thrives on, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t SUCK to be reminded daily that I’m a helpless little nobody.

Especially given that no matter how true it feels, technically even Marina, princess bitch of Saint Niveus would have to admit that it doesn’t get much more well connected than I am hahahaha.

Anyway, about the time Marina started loudly talking about the foreign royalty she would be spending her winter vacation with, Andie and I went and found some driftwood to sit on a little down the beach.

Bass was having a grand old time — even if he wasn’t afforded all the social equity being a witch earned him, people would have flocked around him anyways. Even the snobbiest members of Marina’s inner circle, March Radionov, or Lynlea Bettercourt, are down to put on his big chunky headphones when they get the opportunity.

“Wanna see some alchemy?” Andie said, and I shrugged, trying really hard not to watch Rook and Tish dancing back at the bonfire.

Andie drew a circle in the sand with their finger, crossed a few pieces of drift wood at the center, added a bunch of very precise little symbols into the circle, leaned carefully over to blow on it, and then suddenly — with a spark, and a whisper of smoke, the driftwood lit.

“Wait, holy shit,” I said and they smiled at me, a little bit shy.

“It’s nothing,” they said, adding more wood to the pile. “The alchemy in Bird’s — I mean Robert Pennington’s — journal is worlds more complicated.”

“But you think you could do it?” I asked, thinking how little all the petty squabbling and social peacocking would matter if we could call across the void.

“Yeah,” Andie said. “I mean I could do the alchemy, they already wrote it, I’d just be recreating it. It’s the prep that… poses more of a problem.”

But before we could continue that discussion, Bass crashed down into the sand beside me.

“There you are,” he said, a little drunk and loopy. “Did you see Ichabod fall into the fire?”

“Oh, my god, is he okay?” Andie asked, twisting to look.

“He’s fine,” Rook replied, sitting in the sand beside Andie, across the fire from me. “Bass was quick on the draw.”

Bass wiggled his fingers at us, did a little dance. “Stronger and stronger every day,” he said. “Pariapsis is gonna make me a god I swear.”

We all laughed and Rook caught my gaze and rolled his eyes, and I felt the world clunk into place.

“What are you two over here talking about?” Bass asked, looping an arm around my shoulder.

“Bird,” I said and Bass rolled his eyes.

“Of course,” he said. “What is it with you two and Robert Pennington?”

Andie and I exchanged a look and then Andie said “I think we figured out how they did it.”

There was an awkward moment of silence and then Bass said, “C’mon. No way.”

“No I think we did,” I insisted. “It just needs some uh… prerequisites.”

The fire crackled between us, before Rook finally sighed and said, “Alright I’ll bite. What prerequisites?”

“As far as we can tell, in order for the alchemy to take, the alchemists need to fulfill four requirements,” Andie said, holding up four fingers. “Magic that comes from inside the magician; magic that comes from outside the magician; to bring someone to life; and to kill someone. Just like it says on their wall: life, death, from within, from without.”

“And we know they did all four of those things?” Rook asked.

I said, “We’re pretty sure Katharine had a baby.”

“I did some poking around,” Andie added. “They were all alchemists, but Oscar had a minor in sorcery. That’s magic from without. And I think um… I don’t know this for certain, but they always hinted that Rebecca was psychic. That’s magic from within.”

“Yeah? And who killed someone?” Bass was being flip but Andie got serious.

“I don’t know this for sure,” they said. “But there were always rumors about Theodore and an accident.”

We all sat with that, wide-eyed.

Then Bass took a drink from his beer. “Well I’ve got the magic that comes from without.”

Andie said, “Yeah, and we’ve got the magic that comes from within, too.” We all blinked around at them and they winced. “Marina,” they explained.

“Anybody killed someone?” Bass joked and Rook twisted his beer bottle into the sand and said, “Yeah actually.”

I looked up sharply and he caught my eye, almost by accident.

“Oh, shit,” Bass said. “Sorry man, how’d that happen?”

“I hunted for two years,” Rook said, looking back down at the bottle he was still twisting into the sand. “It kinda comes with the territory.”

I don’t know that story. My heart was racing because how the fuck could I not know that story? But then Bass said, taking the whole thing in stride, “well fuck, anyone had kids?”

They all laughed, but my throat closed. I mean I don’t have kids, but I have brought someone back from the dead. Does that count? No idea.

Thank god Rook was still looking at the sand because if he’d seen my face he would have known I was in absolute free-fall.

“I mean,” Bass said. “We’ve got three of the four. Maybe we should give it a shot.”

“Right now?” Andie said, slightly alarmed.

“Could we do it now?” Rook asked.

Andie shook their head. “No. Maybe. I mean it wouldn’t work either way, not without all four prerequisites.”

We all sat there in the sand in the cold, fire flickering on all of us, framed by cliffs, or sea and sky. They were all wondering about what it might be like to try the spell, even though they knew it would fail.

I was the only one who knew it would succeed.

I cleared my throat. “It’s really late,” I said.

“Yeah,” Andie agreed, apparently running calculations in their head. “We’d be up all night just setting it up.”

“Maybe when we get back from break,” Bass said, comfortably, turning onto his side in the sand. “Just to see what the process is like.” Casually, like it was nothing. Because of course, it was nothing, right? Just a scary spell that wouldn’t work.

I felt like I was going to fall off the earth into the sky.

“What are you doing for break?” Bass asked, unaware that he was ending one horrible conversation and starting another.

Andie scuffed in the sand with their hand. “Back to my parents house,” they said dully.

“Wow that’s some enthusiasm,” Bass teased.

But Andie didn’t even force a smile, they just shrugged. “Yeah,” they said. “We don’t really get along that well.”

We were all quiet for a moment, not quite sure how to ask. Finally I said, “why not?”

Andie shrugged, still not looking up. “They just don’t really get me, that’s all.”

We all hesitated a moment. I wasn’t sure if they were avoiding elaborating on purpose or just didn’t know how to say more.

Luckily, Bass was there, and Bass is fearless. “Just like… normal parent stuff? Or worse?”

Andie pulled their knees up to their chest and hugged their shins. They were still wearing their uniform despite term being technically over. “So… okay, it’s not like it’s a secret or anything, everyone pretty much knows. But you know how Marina’s a wizard?”

This was not the direction I was expecting this to go.

“Well… I mean you know that means she came from another world, right? But the thing is… we both did. At the same time. We were found in a state park together.”

A number of connections were lighting up in my head at that point.

“The Maddox’s got to us first and adopted us, but they weren’t really looking for kids, you know? They were just acquiring us, hoping they’d someday be able to use as leverage somehow. You know… they’re just squabbling for power.” They rested their chin on top of their knees and gazed into the fire so they wouldn’t meet our eyes. “So far, Marina’s been a great investment.”

Ooof.

Rook nudged them with his elbow. “Fuck them.”

Andie smiled queasily. “Yeah. It’s just a few weeks. What about you, what are you doing?”

“Knock and Daryl were gonna come,” Rook said. “But then they got sent out on a case in Missouri last minute, so.”

“Are you staying here?” I asked, heart twisting.

Bass and Rook exchanged a quick, awkward look. “No, sorry. I’m going to the Red Rock with Bass.”

“Yeah, it sucks there this time of year,” Bass added. “We’ll have to clean rooms and shit, it’s always busy. But hey, at least it’s warmer than here.”

And then Andie asked me, “Where are you going?”

“Oh uhh.” What was I supposed to say, well I can’t leave the island because if anyone finds out I can raise the dead who knows what’ll happen to me.

“You’re not going home?” Rook asked, and I could tell by his expression he was asking if I was going to see the Hawthornes. Because, in case you don’t remember, not even Rook knows I raise the dead. Just that I was the dead and, you know, rose once hahahaha.

I shook my head. “I’m staying here.”

“Oh,” Bass said, frowning. “That sucks.”

I looked down. “Yeah, it’s okay.”

“Where’s your family live?” Andie asked, and I told them.

“You’re not going back there?”

I cleared my throat and shook my head.

“Why?” Rook asked, brow furrowed, but he wasn’t asking why I wasn’t going back to Black Lake. “Are they —” he stopped before he could bring the Hawthornes into it.

So then, because I couldn’t very well let them keep asking me shit, I snapped, “I’m just staying here, okay?”

“Damn,” Bass said. Then, when the quiet had stretched out into awkward territory he said, “Well, that sucks for all of us.”

Rook snorted.

“At least when we get back we can all try the spell that killed Bird and his friends,” Andie said bleakly and I couldn’t help it, I laughed too.

It felt good. It felt really good. We’re all back up in our room now. Andie’s out cold, they’re snoring and everything.

This place is going to be so lonely without them tomorrow.