I went to Madelyn’s funeral today.

I don’t really know what to say about that. I don’t even know why I’m still posting to this stupid blog. The only reason I’ve kept up this long is just in case she’s out there reading it and like

she’s not

so

The entire fucking town was at her funeral. They’ve already had the carpets replaced in the church, but there were still freaky little monkey tracks all over the pews. It still smelled like smoke in there under all the flowers.

Father Keeler led us through all the The Lord Be With You, And Also With Your Spirits. We sat and stood a lot. I hid in the corner with my mom. I could feel Tilly and Warren searching for me. Georgia sat at the front with Madelyn’s family. I knew there was a spot for me up there too but I didn’t want to sit up there, where everyone could see me. I didn’t want to be there at all.

At the end Father Keeler opened up the stand for anyone who wanted to come up and say something. Ms. Birch, our English teacher said a few words, and then Madelyn’s Mom. Her oldest brother Josh got up and told some stories from when we were kids. Johnny Undo got up to say a few words as a sort of high school ambassador. Then a few other kids. They painted a picture of this beautiful, kind, compassionate girl who reached out to them when they were at their lowest. And I mean they were right. Madelyn was exactly the sort of person to see you when you were struggling and go out of her way to make you feel better.

It still pissed me off to hear them all talking about her though. I know that’s not fair. But like I don’t want to hear about how good she made you feel when your parents got divorced. I wanted to shout at them that she was so much more than what she did for other people, that she was whole and complicated and brilliant and stubborn, but the problem is that like what else is there now but those tangible things that she did?

It’s like we’re all connected by a web, and every time we time we affect each other we make the web bigger. And at the funeral everyone was trying to say look at the way she spun the web, see how well she did it? See how permanent she is? See all these wonderful ways we can’t lose her? But I don’t want to marvel at her spinning skills, or to take comfort in how, from the web’s perspective there can be no absence where she once was and is no longer. I don’t care that there can never be a hole in the web, or at her addition to it is strong and bright and beautiful. But I don’t give a shit about metaphorical webs. I don’t even know what I’m talking about hahahaha i’m just rambling.

I just want her back in the old easy way. I don’t want to look for her. I’m so tired of looking for her.

Georgia went up and read a passage from a book she and Mad both loved. She cried the whole time but her voice was steady.

And then there was this long, gaping silence while they waited to see if anyone else wanted to say something.

I could feel the whole church looking for me. If it was me in the coffin Madelyn would have said something spectacular. She would have gotten up there and laid out my entire life in three perfect paragraphs. They would have laughed and cried and understood perfectly.

I just sat there, trying to disappear. Even now I’m typing this trying to decide what I should have said and I have nothing. What could I have possibly said? I’ve got absolutely nothing