Bella Short’s funeral was this weekend. Everyone went, even me.

Not to be the biggest bitch of the century, but it was total bullshit. Bella was the meanest bitch in Black Lake and we all know it. Maisie’s up there crying about how sweet and caring and gentle she was, talking about how she had all these big plans for her future and shit. But we all know that Bella’s greatest ambition was to marry Scott Gerstell the football captain, have three beautiful children and carry on terrorizing Black Lake as she always has.

Freshman year Bella Short told everyone that Madelyn was a lesbian. To be clear here, Bella didn’t know it was true. It was right before homecoming, and Bella had finessed poor idiot Scott Gerstell into asking her, but everyone sort of suspected that Scott actually had a crush on Madelyn instead. But like everyone knows that Mad’s family is super strict and Catholic, so idk he must have been too scared to ask her or something and asked Bella instead.

But anyways, within like hours this rumor was all over the school — Madelyn Sexton, sweet, pretty freshman, was gay. Bella was gleeful. But the problem was that it was totally true. Mad came out to her family in eighth grade, and out to me in like third grade, but she wasn’t ready to tell everyone else yet. And here was Bella Short running her mouth.

So Madelyn bought this super slutty dress from Goodwill — it was so slutty she couldn’t put it on until we were in the bathroom outside the cafeteria or her parents wouldn’t let her leave the house — and she walked into the dance right up to Scott Gerstell and danced with him all night long. I mean she turned it up to like 11, Bella never stood a chance. And then, at the end of the night, she got on the DJ plinth where the microphone was still on and she announced to the entire stinky, sweaty crowd of Black Lake Highschool students that she was indeed a lesbian, but if she wasn’t Bella Short wouldn’t stand a chance because she could have any damn person she wanted and then she stage dived off into this mass of like hysterically laughing seniors and crowd surfed to the back of the room. It was the kind of shit you only see in movies. We found out later that the only reason it worked was because the entire football team had taken mushrooms after the game.

I met her at the back door. We walked out into the fall air. She must have been freezing in that slutty dress, but Madelyn was made of steel when she wanted to be.

She said, “I feel kind of bad for Scott though. I think he was starting to like me.”

Scott and Bella were officially dating by the end of the weekend, but Madelyn was a god damned legend.

So thanks Bella Short, for necessitating a coming-out story for the ages. You looked really pretty today, the makeup artist got your wings so sharp. You bitch. Rest Easy.