First thing Saturday morning Lana Summoned Me to her office again.
Lydia knocked early in the morning. I was still asleep, so Andie had to answer the door and wake me up.
Lana looked fucking exhausted in her chair. She was wearing the day before’s makeup and had bags under her eyes.
Lana dismissed Lydia, then turned her attention onto me. “Right,” she said. “How are you feeling?”
And I said, “Uhhhh, fine?”
She frowned, and narrowed her eyes at me. A crease appeared between her eyebrows. We sat there at some kind of weird stalemate for a long moment before she finally said, “I understand if the events of the last 24 hours have been upsetting for you.”
I narrowed my right back eyes at her, wondering what the fuck she was getting at hahahaha. I didn’t know Robert, or Katharine, or Rebecca or any of them, not really. I just admired them from afar, same as everyone else.
“I haven’t spoken to the Hawthornes yet, because I wanted to give you space to communicate with them on your own.” She paused as if trying to best formulate what she was trying to say. “But I haven’t heard anything from them, so —”
“I’ll call them today,” I said, assuming she trying to ask me if I was staying on the island. “I’m sure they’ll support whatever I decide to do.” I haven’t called them yet because they’re on a hunt and I don’t want them to worry.
Lana’s expression hardened, and she said, “I’m sure they will.” She clasped her hands before her, crossed her arms and surveyed me carefully. “Shiloh, I was very much hoping this wouldn’t come up this year, but I’m going to draw a boundary with you right now.”
My fight or flight kicked in so hard hahahahah I was 100% prepared to do whatever it was that Lana didn’t want me to, damn the consequences.
“Your continued presence on this island is fully dependent on those five students staying dead, do you understand?”
For a moment I genuinely didn’t. I just blinked at her.
She said, “Lily, Protsman, and I have discussed it, and we agreed that for your safety there needs to be an absolute line drawn where your powers are concerned, especially since you’ve decided not pursue them as a line of study.”
And then I understood and my stomach turned into a terrible little ocean of bile.
“Of course I don’t want to infringe on your autonomy, and I understand entirely if that’s not a rule you feel comfortable following, we’ll make arrangements at once to find you a place to go. But if you’re going to stay on this island, that is my condition.”
And listen, I felt a whole range of complicated things all at once, but the number one thing I’m feeling now is relief.
The truth is that I was still asleep when Lydia came to get me because I barely slept Friday night. Every time I dropped off I dreamed of them, of Robert’s straight teeth, and Katharine’s pretty wrists; Theodore’s golden hair and Rebecca’s long, doe eyelashes; Oscar’s gaze, impenetrable behind his small round sunglasses.
I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard.
Lies, I know exactly why. It’s because I was fascinated by them, and if I decided to I could bring them back. I could stop all this grief and sadness that everyone is feeling. I mean I could bring one of them back, I guess. Or maybe all of them. I don’t know because I haven’t done any experimentation and because I don’t want to do any.
So yeah, you can imagine the spiraling I’ve been doing all weekend. And you can imagine how much of a relief it is to be able to stop the spiraling by remembering that Lana forbid me from trying to bring anyone back.
I got the Hawthornes on the phone by that afternoon. There was no easy way to tell them what happened, so I just set my teeth and told them, straight forward as I could.
There was a long pause on the line, and then Neal said, “We can be there in three days.”
And I won’t lie, my little heart soared. I really considered it.
But then I said, “No it’s okay.”
“You sure?” Julian asked.
I’m not sure. But I also just got used to the idea of being here for the next few years, and it’s taken me totally by surprise, but there’s a certain comfort in knowing where you’ll be for a while, you know?
Neal was working very hard at keeping calm, I could tell by his voice when he said, “Do you know what happened?”
“Something they were studying went bad,” I told them, and then I had to explain that no, I didn’t know what they were studying.
“Goddamn it, Lana,” Neal growled.
“She’s expecting you to call,” I said and he laughed humorlessly.
“Damn right.”
But however that call went, I don’t know. I wasn’t there. But before they got off the phone, Neal said, “Shiloh, whatever you do, don’t —”
“Lana already forbid me,” I told him.
He scoffed, knowing how well I follow rules.
“I won’t do anything,” I promised him, and when there was a long skeptical quiet, I added, “I swear!”
Robert, Katharine, Rebecca, Theodore, and Oscar’s families arrived on the island yesterday morning for the memorial, and genuinely, GENUINELY, I wouldn’t have been able to manage the guilt if it weren’t for Lana’s hard-line rule. Because the truth is I never want to bring someone back again — the prospect of it fills me with an overwhelming horror I honestly can’t even put into words, and now there’s a rule saying I don’t ever have to and I feel safe.
So, genuinely just this once, thanks Lana.
We’ve been kept apart from the families for the most part, but I’ve glimpsed them between classes, or walking to the cathedral for meals. Little clusters of people in floaty black fabrics and sunglasses who speak to none of us. I’ve only seen one of them expressing any kind of emotion — Mrs Pennington, Robert’s mother. She has the same straight nose and white teeth as he did. He has a little brother, a kid younger than me.
It’s horrible.
And in the meantime, we’ve moved on from our somewhat stunted tours of Saint Niveus, and today we began our introduction to Willowa College, which primarily studies the Arcane.
Arcane classes take place primarily in the grove, which is somewhat down the hill from the rest of the school, on the fringes of the orchard. It’s sort of it’s own little world down here, almost independent of the rest of the school. The arcane students live in these little cottages among the trees, and because it’s a little further from the ocean it really feels like a little wooded glen.
It’s only Monday so I’ve only had one lecture.
The grad student who’s teaching us is this guy with a bun who looks like he’d casually wear a tailcoat even if it wasn’t required by dress code. Adrian Prescott I think his name is. Prescott? Idk I’m pretty sure.
The gist of the whole lecture was basically, ya’ll wouldn’t dare study the arcane hahahaha.
“This is the most selective department here at Palefish,” he drawled up at us. “And even if you are selected to join our ranks, it is the department that demands the most from it’s students.”
Ugh the drama. We get it dude, you’re very special.
Plus, it’s not like we particularly believed him on that front, having just watched 5 Saint Niveus students literally die during their studies, so idk how much more a student can give than that.
I think the other teacher, a grad student named Francesca Umbrecht, sorta saw that we weren’t really feeling Adrian’s you wouldn’t dare join Willowa college speech, because after lunch she gave up on her speech before she could even get past the introduction and said, “You’re not really listening, are you?”
And when we all sorta hesitated, glancing at each other uncomfortably, she said, “No that’s alright. I can’t pay attention either.” She came around the podium and sat on the edge of the plinth. “I know it’s been a strange, stressful start of term, and I know you all must be feeling a bit confused or overwhelmed.”
Terrified might have been a more apt descriptor but for the most part the professors have mostly been concerned with steering us forward as briskly as possible, so it was a relief to have someone acknowledge us. Not that the professors haven’t been doing their best. Like no one is trying to brush over or bury the tragedy or anything. If anything, it’s been much more bizarre how readily everyone is just accepting 5 dead grad students as a grim reality rather than a shocking outlier. But most of the attentions have been towards the students that actually knew Robert, Katharine, Rebecca, Theodore and Oscar, and of course their families, and us Minnows have been sorta… left to our own devices.
“Is there anything any of your would like to ask us about?”
There was a long pause. I think we were all a bit blind-sided.
Marina recovered first: “What were they studying?”
Francesca sighed. “I don’t know. No one does, except for Professor Ellesburg, Professor Kev, and Professor Sorely.” (That’s Lily, idk who Professor Kev is, and Lana. I’ll never get used to them being called by their last names, but also absolutely no one here calls them by their first names and it would be totally weird if they did)
Francesca went on, “I know that’s not very satisfying, but the truth of the matter is that more often than not, that’s how it goes here. You can trust that when it comes to be your time to do research, the same privacy will be afforded you.”
There was another long quiet, so long that Francesca finally sighed and said, “Alright, look. Let’s get out of here, shall we? Come on, I’ll show you the orchard.”
Adrian didn’t particularly like that, but Francesca didn’t give him an option. “They have all week for the boring stuff,” she said, and when he still opened his mouth to argue, she gestured up at us. “Look at them!”
She had a point.
Yesterday was the memorial. It was in the cathedral, which was an unusually normal use for a cathedral. It wasn’t a religious ceremony. Stories were shared by students and professors alike. They painted a sterile picture of five bright, wholesome, dedicated students. We all raised drinks, and then this morning we got up to jog.
So yeah, we’re all looking pathetic. Adrian couldn’t argue with her.
We spent the rest of the afternoon exploring what Francesca called ‘the shallows of the orchard.’ Which doesn’t make a ton of sense unless you’ve actually been in the orchard, but the parts of the orchard closest to the grove are all well tended and easy to navigate. Upperclassmen were out in the trees, harvesting fruit. It was a chilly day but golden in that specific September way. I’ve never really gone fruit picking before. It was weirdly invigorating to climb a rickety wooden ladder and close my hand around a big fat pear.
Francesca showed us trees that appeared to be in full flower, despite the season, and showed us that actually they’re infested with these spindly little creatures with petal-like manes around their faces.
“Meet ~fancy Latin words I can’t remember ~,” Francesca said, reaching up into a tree to allow one of the creatures to craw on to her fingers. “More commonly known as blossom-faced splinters.”
We all gathered around and leaned close. Several people cooed at how cute it was.
“They seem sweet,” Francesca said, grinning wryly as the creature climbed her fingers. “But they’re tricky little things. Be kind to them and they’ll guard your orchards, bring you gifts, keep your fruit healthy. Mistreat them and your fruit will be small, sour, and mealy, if there’s any to harvest at all. Our splinters have been known to have a somewhat foreboding knowledge of where to find bones in our orchards, so we do our best not to cross them.”
Tomorrow we’ll be back in the lecture halls I’m sure, but I feel a lot better having spent the day out in the trees all afternoon.
Mk I’m gonna go I told Bass I’d walk I’d watch a movie with him in his room tonight. Is it weird to snuggle up in my ex’s bedroom? Yes. And if I told Bass I felt weird about it, he’d be totally chill about it, like I’m sure he’d be down to watch a movie in my room instead. But we have a tentative peace going on with the three of us — as long as none of us mentions any awkwardness, we just pretend there isn’t any.
Plus, Andie’s always reading in our room and I don’t want to disturb them.