Hahahahahahahahahahaha okay soooooo we knew it was a bad idea to come here, but did we know it was a bad idea???

Even after being awoken in the middle of the night with strange men outside our hotel door, I don’t think I really got how stupid coming here was until we like 5 miles from the Crossroads, when Rook glanced at a car pulled onto the side of the highway, and said, “Did you see that?”

I had. So had Bass. “Hunter sticker in the back window,” he said, leaning up between the front seats. “Do you know the car?”

“I think it was the Sharps’,” Rook replied. Then, after a moment of consideration: “Do you think they’re posting lookouts?”

And that’s when I realized we’d made an error in judgment hahaha.

It became obvious that they were indeed posting lookouts when we turned off the highway and headed out into the desert towards the Crossroads, and someone pulled off the side of the road ahead of us, and someone else pulled out behind us.

“Is this an escort?” Andie asked. “Are you sure they’re gonna let us in?”

And listen lol I wasn’t anymore. My heart was in my throat the whole stretch until we made it to the grungy little bar, and then we couldn’t even get out of the car before there were people outside our windows with guns.

“Oh my god,” Andie squeaked in the back seat.

I recognized one of the guys — it was Marco Torres, who sorta saved us life last Spring, when Ace was trying to prove that I have the power to raise the dead.

He gestured at Rook’s to have him crack his window, which he did.

“Hi there,” Marco said calmly. “Can I ask what business you have around here?”

“Yeah,” Rook said. “My name’s Rook Mun, I’m with Andie Maddox, Bass Scelerat, and Shiloh Tamblyn. We’re here for the holidays.”

There was a frozen moment before Marco managed to repeat, “You’re here for the holidays?” And then someone else, someone I didn’t recognize, added, “Did you say Shiloh Tamblyn?”

I waved awkwardly through the windshield.

“Are Knock and Daryl here?” Rook asked.

“No you missed them by a few days,” Marco said, frowning in at us. “Is anyone expecting you?”

There was a long awkward pause. And then, with an apologetic glance at me, Rook said, “Can we talk to the Hawthornes?”

Andie didn’t quite make a sound, but I saw them twitch in the mirror.

“Oh you wanna talk to the Hawthornes?” a skinny guy I didn’t recognize smirked. “Look they’re not signing anything, alright, so you can keep driving.”

Which was where I’d had enough. I pushed open my door despite the VERY vocal protestations of all these hunter dudes around us, and stormed across the parking lot.

“Ma’am I’m gonna need you to stop and get back in your car,” Marco was saying, but everyone else was just shouting at me. I ignored them. Behind me I heard car doors slamming, heard someone yelp.

Marco managed to get to the screen door before me. To his credit he hadn’t drawn a weapon — he was just standing between me and the door with his hands up.

“Ma’am, if you can just wait in your vehicle, I can go inside and let them know you’re here.”

“Don’t you recognize me?” I asked.

“I do,” Marco admitted. “But I can’t just let you go in, they’re in a meeting. Ay — Nash, put that away. C’mon, they’re just kids.” The smart ass, Nash, holstered his handgun sulkily. “Sorry,” Marco said to me. “We’re just on high alert around here, alright? Now, you just wait right here, I’m gonna go in and let them know what’s going on, is that okay?”

I wanted to tell him to stick his head up his ass, but he was being so reasonable that I had to agree.

Marco left us on the porch with Nash and a couple other folks.

“Did you say the Hawthornes?” Andie whispered to Rook, who shot me a glance.

“Yeah, so there’s some stuff I haven’t been totally honest about,” I whispered back. Bass smothered his laughter behind his hand as Andie’s eyes bugged, but before they could ask anything else, I heard Julian’s low voice rumble from inside and without hesitation I pulled open the screen door and followed Marco inside.

It was just way I remembered it, except that three of the tables had been pulled towards the back of the room, and around those tables a handful of people were bent over rolled out maps. Whatever they were discussing, it seemed deadly serious. It was so dim inside that I had to push my sunglasses up into my hair — but then, twisting to look at me, there they were.

“Shiloh?” Neal asked, rising slowly from his chair. Julian, who was leaning over the table on his hands, looked up behind his hair. Beverly’s jaw dropped.

Now, if I had to describe their faces, happy to see me wouldn’t be my go-to descriptor. Bafflement and dawning horror would have been closer, potentially.

“Surprise?” I said, smiling queasily, and Neal let out a bewildered, disbelieving laugh, and I felt my insides swell. I thought I might explode in a cloud of glitter as I ran across the creaky floorboards to fling my arms around his neck. The words that came out of his mouth were, “what the hell are you doing here?” which would have been devastating in that moment if he weren’t also lifting me off the floor so my lil feet dangled.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m sorry I didn’t think.”

“Yeah, clearly,” Julian agreed, as I hid my face in his shirt. “How did you get here?”

“I snuck off the ferry,” I said. “We — oh, Rook, Bass and my roommate are here, too — we rented a car.”

“You snuck off the ferry,” Beverly repeated, awestruck. “Shiloh…”

“I’m really sorry,” I repeated, because listen, between the people in the motel room, the escort here, and seeing them all gathered so seriously around the table, it had become ABUNDANTLY clear that I should not have come.

But Neal was laughing anyway. “I cannot wait to talk to Lana,” he said and YES it felt so good to be around someone who wasn’t afraid of her. I was absolutely fucking giddy, about to tell him more, when behind us, tentatively, the screen door opened.

“Come in!” Beverly called. “Nash it’s okay, they can come in.”

They came in uncertainly, even Rook, who at least knew most of the people in the room.

“Welcome,” Beverly’s mom Valerie said, taking charge. “Come in, let me get you a drink. You’ve come a long way, haven’t you!”

I felt like an overexcited springer spaniel hahaha like I just wanted to run in circles with my tongue out whacking people’s legs.

“We need to finish this meeting,” Beverly said to her mother. “Maybe set them up in the kitchen.” And then, looking at me, “is that alright? Give us a few minutes?” I nodded, and she smiled and wrapped me up in a hug. “It’s good to see you, you maniac,” she said, and ushered the four of us towards the kitchen after Valerie.

“You lot go sit down, I’ve got some leftover tomato soup, how about grilled cheeses?” Valerie said, gesturing towards the little round table in the corner of the kitchen.

Bass followed her to the grill to help slice cheese, cheerfully asking about the last few months, while Andie, Rook and I went towards the table.

“Who are you?” Andie hissed as we went to sit.

“I’ll explain later,” I hissed back.

Valerie made our lunch, asked us all about our quarter at school, sat with us at the table while we ate. I felt like a little kid, it was awesome.

“I hope you lot don’t mind bunking up together,” she added as Andie, Rook and I did dishes. “We’re running a full house around here.”

Indeed, when we crossed the dirt to the Bev and Valerie’s house, not only were there pillows and blankets folded neatly on the pullout couch, but there were trailers and vans parked around the house as well. The four of us ended up all the way at the top, on four twin mattresses laid out on the attic floor. The sloped ceiling was so low we couldn’t even stand except for right in the middle, and it was a ladder to get up, but still, I was so relieved to be under the same roof as Neal and Julian I’d have slept on the porch.

“You lot get settled, alright, I’ll come get you when the meeting is over,” Valerie said, and bustled off downstairs.

Andie dumped their bag on the bed.

“Alright,” they said. “Someone tell me what is going on, right now.”

Rook shrugged and smirked, Bass laughed outright, and I fell face-first onto my mattress, fully ready for bed.

“You know how the Hawthornes took an apprentice last year?” I said face down in my mattress.

“No way,” Andie said.

I game them a thumbs up without looking around and Andie threw a pillow at me.

“And you didn’t think to tell me that?”

“Alright,” Rook said, softly (coming to my defense SOB FACE). “She’d have told you if she could have. There are certain things she has to keep from us.”

That boy really sees stuff doesn’t he. Just sees all sorts of stuff. Hahahaha just shred my lil heart dude, go for it like a cat in the curtains.

But if Andie was mollified at all, it wasn’t enough to stop them saying, “so… so last year, you saw when they went underground to deal with the great snake?”

“Saw?” Rook repeated, laughing. “She gave me a goodbye letter to give her mother just in case she died down there!”

“You went down into the cave with them?” Andie gasped and I grabbed the pillow they threw at me and put it over my head. “What did you see?”

I had a flash of that massive snake, of the endless, aching loneliness of it, and groaned, “I don’t know Andie it was a big ass snake.” And listen Andie would have kept grilling me for the rest of the night, I have absolutely no doubts about that in my little head. If it weren’t for Rook’s gentle interventions they probably would have. Luckily Rook was there for enough of it that he could answer most of Andie’s questions fairly well — and by the time Andie asked, “wait, why on earth are you at Palefish when you were literally apprenticed to the Hawthornes?” and Rook finally had to hesitate, because he doesn’t fully understand the answer to that question, there was a creak on the ladder.

“Miss Shiloh,” Valerie called, poking her head into the attic. “The boys are ready for you.”

And I felt a kick of nerves?????? My eyes snapped onto Rook automatically and his brow creased.

“You want me to come?” he asked and DAMN IT Rook why don’t we kiss anymore???? Remind me I literally can’t remember (it’s because he wanted me to be able to communicate with him and I was unable to do it because I’m stunted and pathetic)

So in case I didn’t realize how serious it was before, they cleared the Crossroads for me. Like, I was expecting it to be a bar when I got there, since their big meeting was over, but instead it was eerily silent when Marco opened the door and let me go in.

The Hawthornes were deep in conversation, but when they heard the swinging kitchen door open they both turned to look at me, and they both smiled.

Instant relief hahaha. I walked into Julian’s open arms and leaned against him, exhausted.

“Is everything okay?” Julian asked and I nodded.

“We talked to Lana,” Neal said. He was leaning against the table, and I noticed that he looked thinner than usual, that there were dark rings around his eyes, and his hair — always messy — had given up on curly and given into it’s most nest-like potential. “You’ve caused quite the chaos at school. She launched a full search party. I don’t know how you managed to avoid detection. She just about wept on the phone when I told her we had you. ”

I felt a kick of satisfaction. “What, you think I learned nothing from you last year?” I said, and then added, “Andie and Bass cast wards.”

“I can’t say I’m not impressed,” Neal admitted.

“Did something happen?” Julian asked. “Did you need something?”

When I looked up at his face, I noticed it there, too — exhaustion, in the hollows under his eyes, and his unkempt facial hair.

“I’m okay,” I promised. “I just missed you.”

They exchanged a look and I felt something a little bit like panic kick up in my stomach.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know this was a really bad idea —”

“Yeah, no it was a very bad idea,” Neal agreed. “The fact that no one found you on the way here is a goddamn miracle.”

The mysterious people outside our door the other night shot me some finger guns and blew me a kiss. “…about that,” I said, and explained what we’d seen.

“Do you know who it was?” Julian asked.

I shook my head. “I hoped it was someone Lana sent, but…”

“But you don’t think it was?” Neal asked. I shook my head. Neal deflated, and steered me into a hug with a hand on top of my head. “You are so catastrophically stupid,” he told me, and LOL it was a relief to have someone just say it. “Remember what we talked about? About us all being on the same team?”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t have to spend the last three months on Palefish surrounded by the most arrogant, self-righteous pricks imaginable,” I said, muffled into his shoulder.

“Yeah, I know,” he sighed. “And I am happy to see you.” He pulled away to pinch my cheeks. “I’ve missed your pouty little face.”

I waved him off, smiling, but Julian wasn’t quite done with Serious Talk. “You really scared them at Palefish.”

“Not enough to call you,” I smirked, which was the wrong thing to say, I could tell immediately. They both winced and couldn’t quite meet my eye.

“Shiloh,” Julian began, but Neal spoke over him.

“It’s okay,” he said. “It’s okay, what matters is that she’s here now, right?” He grinned, but I could tell it was forced. “Holidays!” He put his chin on my shoulder to puppy-dog eyes up at Julian. “It’s a Christmas miracle!”

Julian managed an exhausted smile. “Yeah, alright fine, it’s a Christmas miracle.”

And now it’s days later, and I know there’s something no one’s telling us. I can feel it, lingering ominously around the edges of rooms when people lower their voices to discuss something, or leave rooms to answer phones. Neal’s exhausted, abnormally so, and I keep catching people watching him anxiously. Valerie continuously refills his plate at mealtimes, but he’s still so skinny. Gaunt, maybe.

But I mean… I don’t know, they’re putting on a good show. It’s all smiles whenever we’re around. Beverly even put us to work — nothing fun or glamorous, just basic upkeep stuff. Cleaning rooms and doing laundry for the stream of hunters that are pretty much constantly coming in and out of this place.

Despite Andie not quite forgiving me for not telling them who I am, it’s been an absolute joy to watch them navigate their wide-eyed wonder as they interact with Bev, and the Hawthornes, not to mention Cooper and Eden, or the Walther brothers, or even Mercy and Zinia who were here for a couple days.

I’ve spent the last three months being just… nobody? I mean not really obviously. But at home in Black Lake, even when I felt like nobody, I was my mom’s daughter, and Madelyn’s best friend. And of course, even after Madelyn disappeared, it turned out I was Tilly’s girlfriend, and Georgia’s friend, and lol sort of the leader of a street gang of cryptid hunters hahaha. But then I sorta died lol, and I ran away, and I’m just someone else now. I don’t even know who that person is yet, and I have to keep all her defining characteristics — even the people she belongs to — a secret.

I don’t want to feel like nobody. I want to belong to people, and I want people to know who I belong to.

It’s such a relief to be here. It’s also such a relief that Andie knows who I am now, because now I can belong to them, too. I mean, they know as much as Rook and Bass anyways. Almost. They don’t know I died. Hahaha.

Also, it’s fun. Everyone’s busy, but every spare moment they find me.

I’m probably not gonna write for the next week! I love you suckers, and I’ll probably post a little bit, but I won’t start posting regularly again until I’m back at school

Happy holidays don’t get eaten by anything, and if you’re in danger of being eaten by something hit me up I know a guy