I really wasn’t planning on writing again today, but I’m feeling really sorry for myself and I have no one else to tell so lol you get all my whining.

It’s after dinner, and I’m hiding between the library and cliffs. I was doing alright earlier! We had a really good class today, Robert was back up at the podium, and he brought Katharine with him. They spent all morning telling us about the great political advisers who had studied at Palefish, and the secret ways Saint Niveus graduates had been shaping the course of history for hundreds of years. And then in the afternoon, Oscar came to to do a demonstration. Turns out he’s studying alchemy, which is the only magic department in Saint Niveus not Willowa — and his magic was seriously cool. I don’t really understand how it works, but it seems to be derived mostly of adding pinches of stuff together, combined with strange runes. He turned a handful of stones into gold and stuff, it was super cool.

But then Rook came into dinner with a very pretty fat girl named Nia, and he was laughing at something she’d said, more relaxed than I’ve seen him months and months, and I obviously have absolutely zero right to be jealous, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t make my wretched stomach ache.

So I was really looking forward to talking to Neal and Julian after dinner, but when Neal picked up I could tell they’re in the middle of something.

“Hey,” he said, breathless and slightly hushed. “I’m gonna have to call you back.”

There was a loud thunk in the background and in the background someone started screaming. Neal cursed loudly.

“Everything okay?” I asked and then I think he dropped his phone or something because there were a lot of garbled noises and hissing, before he finally picked up again and gasped, “Shiloh? Sorry we’re on a case, I’m afraid I have to —” and then I heard gunshots, Neal started shouting at someone and the line went dead.

I’m sure they’re fine. I’m sure everything is fine.

I hate that I’m here and not there.

And then when I called my mom she was at happy hour with Dr New Guy and her friends. She answered on speaker phone so everyone could say hi, and I didn’t want to dampen her day and anyways the service out here is terrible, so I just said hi to everyone and got off the phone and now I’m whining to my personal blog hahahahhaa.

God listen to me, whining because I’m at magic school hahahahaha I’m so annoying!!!! But it’s normal to get lonely when you go off to college, right? Like I can’t be the only person on earth to —

I was interrupted sorry to stop in the middle of a sentence lol. Robert and Katharine were just walking between their little stone house on the cliff towards the library and saw me pouting.

They were arguing in hushed voices when they saw me. It was my fault probably, they were so engrossed in their own whispered argument that if I hadn’t twisted around to see who was coming they probably wouldn’t have seen me at all. As it was Katharine whacked Robert on the shoulder to stop him talking and they both looked around towards me.

“Shiloh?” Robert called. “Everything alright?”

I told him everything’s fine because it is, apart from feeling sorry for myself, but they left the path to come check on me anyways.

“What’s the problem?” Robert asked, knocking my shoulder a little by accident as he sat beside me.

“She’s probably just lonely,” Katharine said, lounging down on my other side. “You remember what the first few weeks are like.”

“That it?” Robert asked. “Homesick?”

But it’s not homesick exactly, is it? I don’t want to go back to Black Lake by any means. Maybe to our little summer safe house in the woods I guess, but I miss that the way you miss a really good vacation, not the way you miss your home.

“Listen,” Robert said. “It’s rough here the first few months.”

“Brutal,” Katharine agreed. “There’s absolutely nothing to do, and you either have no friends, or potentially worse, you’re stuck with all your old ones.”

Robert leaned around me to shove her shoulder lightly and she grinned.

“We all struggled our first year,” he assured me. “It’s not easy to find your footing. But listen, we’re all rooting for you, and you know if you need anything, we’re happy to help. Right Kitty?”

“Of course,” Katharine said, and I think she meant it. “Anything you need. And you don’t even need to join Saint Niveus if you don’t want to.”

By ‘join Saint Niveus’ what she really meant was ‘join the secret club we’re trying to recruit you for,’ but we’re not allowed to talk about that.

“You’ll find your place soon enough,” Robert went on. “It takes a bit, but eventually you’ll find something that sucks you right in. That’s the whole point of this place — to help you find the mystery you’ll pursue, or the problem you’ll try to solve, for the rest of your life.”

“Exactly,” Katharine said, and when I looked at her there was a giddy, somewhat fervent light in her expression. “Give it time. I was miserable my whole first year, and now —” she stopped and she and Robert made eye contact over my head. I watched a smile spread across her face.

So I finally just asked them: “What did you discover the other night?”

Katharine tossed back her head to laugh.

“We can’t tell you,” Robert said, but he was beaming that straight toothed smile at me. “Not yet. It’s much too dangerous.”

I was about to say something to the effect of oh yeah you wanna fuckin bet try me you assholes bet you’ve never faced down a gigantic, ancient underground serpent I can probably handle it and they must have seen the defiance on my face because Katharine ruffled my stupid short hair.

“You’ll see,” she said, and then leaned around me to look at Robert. “Speaking of which —”

“Yep,” he agreed, hauling himself to his feet. “You gonna be okay?”

I nodded and he offered Katharine his hand, pulling her up after him.

“We have to go,” she said, grinning at me. She has these really adorable dimples. “The work doesn’t wait.”

And the thing is, I feel a bit better I guess. They’re just so… I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s something propelling them. Not duty, not danger. On the contrary, I suspect they’re walking face first into danger. Maybe it’s just like… passion lol? Their compasses point in one direction, all five of them. I wouldn’t mind a piece of that certainty. If I can get some of it on this island, I wouldn’t mind.